This is one of the premises that Vesna Gračner introduced to me over 20 years ago.
She was the first person I went to for sessions, and I started because I was struggling with depression at the end of high school / beginning of college.
Vesna Gračner is now a retired professor of psychology and psychotherapist. Begining in 1999, she was for many years the host of the show Seeking the Truth on Croatian Catholic Radio, and over the years she has given numerous lectures and seminars. She is also the author of several books.
Some of the wisdom Vesna Gračner shared with me left a deep mark, and I still remember it to this day. You can find them at the end of this article. 🙂
We can make decisions and/or take action from two positions: fear or love.
What happens when we decide from fear:
- We act out of a sense of obligation and/or pressure that we have imposed on ourselves or allowed others to impose on us.
- We make compromises that are to our detriment.
- In the long run, we feel dissatisfaction and limitation because this is not what we truly wanted.
- Ultimately, we betray ourselves.
When we make decisions from fear, our focus is not on what we want to create, but on what we want to avoid.
The mind then operates in defense mode.
The main focus becomes avoiding the negative – not making mistakes, not getting hurt, not losing safety, control, or acceptance, not feeling guilt, shame, or rejection…
In that state, we don’t ask:
What is in alignment with me?
Instead, we ask:
How can I protect myself?
What happens when we decide from love/joy:
- The focus is on our inner truth and values.
- Decisions support our growth and authenticity.
- Although it may initially seem challenging and require us to stretch our boundaries, in the long run it leads us to fulfillment, truth, and authenticity.
When we make decisions from love, our focus is not on avoiding the unpleasant, but on creating what we truly want.
The mind and heart operate in expansion mode, open to possibilities and creativity.
The main focus becomes growth, connection, and authenticity – what truly fulfills us, what contributes to our well-being and that of others, and following our inner wisdom and intuition.
In that state, we ask:
What is in alignment with me and my values?
Instead of:
How can I protect myself?
Although decisions made from love may require courage, stepping out of our comfort zone, and facing our own fears, they always guide us toward truth, authenticity, and personal growth.
Such decisions don’t ask what will be less painful, but what will expand and fulfill us.
Only you can know from which of these two positions you are acting, and it doesn’t matter how it appears to others or whether they understand your motives and reasons.
I invite you, in the coming weeks, to pay attention to the decisions you make and try to notice from which of these two positions you are making them.
And finally, a few pieces of wisdom from Vesna Gračner:
- Others don’t need to understand you.
- Being close to someone does not mean being similar or same as the other person.
- We are not responsible for other people’s emotions.
- Who shouldn’t we spend time with? Those who hurt us and don’t want to hear about it.
- Choices are lesson A or lesson B – no choice is inherently wrong; each leads to some kind of learning and insight.
- If you want to understand someone – become their advocate.
- It is my right to say “no,” and it is the other person’s right to be upset about it.
- When you ask someone something, ask for a favour or make a request, expect both answers – not just the one you want to hear.
- People don’t disappoint us; our expectations do.
- We have the right to feel all our emotions, but we do not have the right to take them out on others.
- If it’s “I must,” then action comes from fear; if it’s “I want,” then action comes from love.
Until next time 🦋
— Senka
